


i'm trapped in my tiny human brain

by casualhottubnacho



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (thru tears) i just want them to be happy, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Not Beta Read, au in which the timeline isnt fucked and dolores is a real bitch, canon is a blocked contact on all my accounts, i spent... 3 hours writing this. and it turned out meh at best, no beta we die like ben, pinocchio who??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26642830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualhottubnacho/pseuds/casualhottubnacho
Summary: “People don’t think it be like it be, but sometimes it do,” Dolores replied almost thoughtfully, nodding and stroking her chin like a man with a beard. Five huffed out a little laugh at that. It made her smile.“I mean… That’s some wack advice coming from you, but I guess I can see it.” She shrugged once again. Five made a little noise in the back of his throat.“What’s that supposed to mean?”“Exactly what I said. You’re not exactly known for your self-care, dear.”“Just because I don’t use it myself doesn’t mean I don’t know that it’s true,” He replied. She grinned at him and he did it right back, all sharp teeth and thin lips. She reached out and rubbed her thumb over the backs of his knuckles.~~~~~~Alternate universe in which bad things are an illusion and it's all gonna be okay. It's more of an excuse than an explanation, but my current thought on this au is "Five fucks around and makes small changes to the timeline so when they jump to 2019, everything is okay, with unforeseen good changes as well... Like Dolores being real, now, and remembering who he is, because a plastic mannequin totally has a good memory."
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	i'm trapped in my tiny human brain

**Author's Note:**

> title from 888 by cavetown bc thats what i was listening to while writing this oops
> 
> okay some small stuff to know about the au because aaa  
> 1\. ben is alive!! because fuck you  
> 2\. dolores is alive and real and lovely!! because fuck you  
> 3\. dolores and five are both 58 year old bitches in 13 year old bodies with families that don't know what the fuck is going on in here on this day  
> 3.5. dolores has a bio family in this because she's gotta come from somewhere. they're not super important tho? she's,, really detached from them. kinda.  
> 4\. since they don't want cps on them, five has to go to Normal People School,, which is how he found dolores. :)  
> 5\. uhhh since every time we see dolores in the show she Has No Legs,, she is gonna be wheelchair bound for this au. for mild consistency. i myself am not so idk how to write that? so ill probably not uh,, mention it often. i don't wanna write it wrong aaa
> 
> also this is my first work in this fandom. i haven't read the comics but i have watched the show mm. this is all over the place sorry about that. there was no planning involved just my fingers going brrrr on the keyboard and hoping the monkey hooting in my brain somehow translated into words
> 
> i might write more for this au!! who knows!! it just depends on if anyone likes it or not haha.

Dolores waited until she couldn’t hear her parents’ footsteps outside of her door to reach under her pillow and grab her phone. Her hands shook as she fumbled to pull out the plug and it clattered against her bedside table’s legs when she let go, but she really couldn’t find it in herself to care. Normally she would, but right now her emotions were a bit of a jumbled mess- Upset over a little potential bend in her charger was not on her list of priorities.

She meant to just tap on Five’s contact to text him, really, she did, but her hands were still quivering from the fight she just had with her parents and her phone was being really slow and wouldn’t show her the button to hang up, and by the time it did pop up it was too late because the lines connected, which was dumb because Five always said he hated phone calls and didn’t want her to call him, just text him instead, easier to hide things over text-

“Dolores.” It wasn’t a hello, nor was it a question of why she called him or who she was, it was his way of greeting her, like a nod in the hallways, just acknowledgment, he used to do it all the time back when-

“Five.” She returned. It was a little too gaspy, a little too watery, and she was not going to cry, she was  _ not _ , but it was hard to keep it out of her tone past the lump in her throat. She cleared it in hopes that that would help. “Sorry.”

Sorry for a lot of things. It wasn’t entirely directed at him- Part was towards her parents, she wanted to apologize but there was no way in hell she was going to go and find them to do it, it was their fault, really, but it still hurt- Part was towards him, for calling him when he said he didn’t like it, for interrupting whatever he was doing (because he wasn’t ever not doing something important, it was always important with him, if it wasn’t he wouldn’t do it), for not being able to even talk right just because of a stupid little argument she had already had multiple times that week.

“I’m sure you have nothing to apologize for. Is everything alright?” Right to the point, as always. She chuckled a little bit. His consistency was… reassuring. As was his voice. As was the fact that he cared enough to pick up the phone and ask her if she was okay.

“Mm… Not really, but it’s-” She was rather abruptly cut off by the familiar sound of a blink right onto her bed, accompanied by the very faint smell of ozone. Caused by the air particles smashing back together to fill the space where he ripped a hole, he said. She always thought it was just another one of his oddities that she adored being able to truly experience now.

There were a few moments of awkward silence before Five raised an eyebrow and said, “Well?” She watched the way he drummed his fingers on his left knee. He always did that when he was reconsidering a decision he had already made. His eyes kept flicking around her room, soaking in every single detail as rapidly as he could without outright staring. She knew him, though. They had been married for 45 years, he couldn’t get away with it without her noticing. She always noticed.

...Oh. He hadn’t ever been in here before, had he?

“Well what?”

“You said you weren’t really okay and said ‘but it’s’ and then cut yourself off. But what?’

With a slightly startled blink, she shifted on her bed to face him better. His foot brushed her crisscrossed knees. He readjusted to match her pose, folding his hands in his lap while she rested hers on the comforter. “It’s just stupid. Irrational. Not something I should be upset about.” She gave a half-hearted shrug and focused on fiddling with the top layer of fabric on the comforter. If it were anyone else, she’d focus on the wall just past their shoulder, but she’d never been able to ignore his face, not after having to go that long without seeing it. 

“So?”

She tilted her head a little bit and hummed for him to say more, focusing on his expression. There was that same curiosity he always had, she had never seen him without it when he was talking to her, but he was slowly pushing it away to make room for concern and slight confusion.

“So what if it’s irrational? You’re still allowed to be upset about it. You can be upset about whatever you want. They’re  _ your _ emotions.” His brows furrowed just the tiniest bit, like this was something he thought everyone knew.

She frowned right back at him, equally confused. “But… I’ve had to put up with way worse than just an argument with my parents. An argument I’ve had multiple times before, no less.”

“And?” He quirked a brow. “You can still be upset. Just because it’s small, or something worse may be happening, or may have happened in the past, or is yet to happen... none of that means you can’t be upset by this kind of shit. That’s just what happens sometimes. Better to let it pass over you than to deny that it’s even there or fight it off.”

“People don’t think it be like it be, but sometimes it do,” Dolores replied almost thoughtfully, nodding and stroking her chin like a man with a beard. Five huffed out a little laugh at that. It made her smile.

“I mean… That’s some wack advice coming from you, but I guess I can see it.” She shrugged once again. Five made a little noise in the back of his throat. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I said. You’re not exactly known for your self-care, dear.”

“Just because I don’t use it myself doesn’t mean I don’t know that it’s true,” He replied. She grinned at him and he did it right back, all sharp teeth and thin lips. She reached out and rubbed her thumb over the backs of his knuckles.

“I loooooove youuuuu,” She drawled, drawing out the sounds for as long as it took to make his ears flush. Forty-five years and he never stopped blushing when she said that to him. Forty-five years and she never got tired of it.

He mumbled something back that was vaguely similar to  _ I love you too _ , no longer staring at her like he wanted to set her on fire with just his eyes. He never would, of course (that would be too much trauma rolled up into one neat little package, that dark, dim little part of her thought), but that didn’t mean he didn’t act like it.

They sat in silence for a few minutes once again, albeit this time more comfortable then it was the first time around. She continued to rub his knuckles and he continued to look at her like she had created the entire universe with her bare hands.

“...What was it about?”

“Hm?”

“Your argument. If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Aww,” She cooed, “Little Fivey’s trying to learn manners.”

He thwacked her on the shoulder and she laughed at him a lot louder than she should’ve. Her parents likely heard that, and they might come check soon because of it, but she honestly couldn’t care less. Not when Five was right here, right now, and all thoughts of what ifs and the far past (or present? future? she couldn’t tell anymore when her life alone with him had been) pushed to the side.

“You’re fine, you’re fine, I’m just teasing.”

When she didn’t continue, he shifted, like he wanted to ask again but didn’t know if she was ignoring the question on purpose or not. She wanted to ignore it, she really did, but at the same time- She always encouraged him to talk about his shit, didn’t she?

With a sigh, she let her head loll to the right like it lost all gravity. “C’mere and gimme your bony-ass shoulder, boy, and I’ll spill.” He gave her a small smile and clambered over her bed to sit side-by-side with her. His other shoulder was bumping the wall, and his back had no support, so she reached behind and fumbled for her pillows before chucking them at him and waiting for him to get comfortable. A little procrastination never hurt anyone.

“You’re like a bird making a little nest,” She joked, nudging him as best she could. He snorted, and, without looking at her, replied, “I’d gladly make a little bird’s nest with you, Del,” and  _ God _ , didn’t that stupid little statement knock all the breath out of her lungs.

Once he was all good, she used one hand to grab his limp arm and wrap it around her shoulders while her other wrapped around his waist. “I’m just gonna talk, and I just want you to listen without interrupting, yeah? Just lemme dump, questions after the presentation.”

“You know not interrupting isn’t exactly my strong suit.”

“Shut up, that was an interruption, I’m starting now.

My parents… You know I love ‘em. They’re good people, really but… It’s weird. I’m a fifty-eight-year-old mannequin, not the normal, healthy, happy daughter they were expecting, It’s usually fine by them, they don’t judge me for being upset, usually, and they don’t judge me for the stuff I can’t control-” Briefly, she glanced down at her lap before her gaze snapped right back up, “But… The whole life away from them, outside of them, past them? They can’t understand that. Not really. They had been talking about taking me to therapy, y’know, a few weeks or so before you popped up again. Didn’t wanna do it before now because I was too young, even though all of us know I’m more mature than they are- Oh, fuck off, don’t give me that look, I’m mature when need be.  _ Anywho _ … It all kind of reached its boiling point when you, a strange kid they had never seen before, suddenly charged at me and cried all over me and brought back all that talk we had all been ignoring about that subject.”

Five hadn’t interrupted once, and she was honestly proud of him for that in a goofy sort of way, but he was clearly itching to say something, so she raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to speak. He just shook his head and did the same gesture back. Old bastard.

“We’ve been arguing about it a lot more recently. I’m not sure what set off this week specifically, but... They keep telling me to ‘grow up and stop pretending’, or ‘you’re too old to keep dragging this out’- Stuff like that. Funny, since I’ve existed for over a decade more than they’ve been alive, but what can you do. It’s just frustrating. I know it’s the truth, you know it’s the truth… I think they might too, deep down, but they don’t want to accept that their little baby girl isn’t any of that. I’m not theirs, not really, and… I kinda feel bad that I took over for whatever probably normal kid they were gonna have. Instead, they got stuck with me, an old-ass crusty piece of plastic.” She cracked a wry, hollow smirk. Five didn’t return it.

He spent a while thinking over his answer. The crease between his brows was stronger, now, and she barely resisted the urge to reach up and smooth it out. His fingers were tapping, again, but this time with the hand she was trying to hold. She simply let go of it and grabbed his other one. He didn’t even really seem to notice.

“...You’re not a crusty piece of plastic,” He said, finally, slightly hard to understand through mumbling lips. She chuckled and snuggled a little bit closer. “Didn’t deny the old part, I see.” He hummed noncommittally and shrugged a little bit, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “You’re really not, though. And you’re not crazy. I promise.”

“I know.” It was soft. It meant more than just confirming she wasn’t a lunatic.

“I know you know. I also know that sometimes it’s just… good to hear.”

“It really is.” She gave him another toothy smile. “You don’t have to reassure me, you know. I can work through this garbage on my own. You probably have some more important stuff to work on anyhow, Mr. Genius.”

“Nothing’s more important to me than you, Mrs. Genius,” He replied, so soft and honest, and oh, she thought she might just melt like the piece of plastic she was under the warmth in that. Fucking sap. She told him as much.

“Fucking sap.”

He barked out a cackle (briefly, she was reminded of a hyena, and almost snickered out loud at that), poking her in the side. “One of us has to be, you’re so fucking mean to me.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what you get.”

“For what?”

“Yes.”

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he leaned over and let his head rest on top of hers. She could almost imagine hearing the gears turning in there. “...Would me blinking into a seat at the table during a family dinner help at all?”

“...It actually might. It’ll at least prove that I wasn’t lying about the powers and whatnot. If I can get them to believe that much, it may help with believing that I’m a time-traveling sentient mannequin trapped in a mortal vessel with way too many squishy parts to function how I would’ve liked.”

“Neat. Think I should do it?”

“Oh, definitely. I’ll agree to anything to spite them right now, you caught me at the most wonderful of times.”

“I didn’t catch you, you caught me- You’re the one that called.”

“Mm. Sorry about that, by the way.”

“Don’t worry about it. It was bound to happen at some point, I’m just glad it was for something actually important.” There was something in his tone that sounded like he was expecting her to protest, almost asking her to do it, like he wanted the chance to tell her how important her problem was- She surprised herself more than him when all she replied with was “Yep.”

He chuckled almost dryly, donking her head with his shoulder. She called it bony for a reason- If she didn’t know any better, she’d almost say that it hurt. 

And that was that. They didn’t talk or make noise or even move again for another few hours, if she had to take a guess, and even then it was just him grunting to wake her up some so he could move his shoulder and get going back to where he was staying before she could fall asleep on him. They had both come to the unspoken agreement that it would be a lot of fun to watch her parents squirm when he jumped in on dinner, that fun wouldn’t be worth as much if they saw him there and saw him blink beforehand.

The smell of ozone on her bed and pillows was a lot more comforting than she would like to admit. It didn’t take her long to pass out.

**Author's Note:**

> (unhinges my jaw like a snake) spare comments? i need to feed my snake children please just a single spare comment will do, anything really, it could be the lyrics to picture my booty in 3d copy pasted, i don't care, just let me feed my k
> 
> i might regret writing and posting this in the morning but WHO KNOWS that is for the gods of creativity to decide, not me, no siree


End file.
